I just can’t help noticing that I would have been 17 weeks +5 days pregnant today if all had gone well. I’ve had so many people ask me how I’m doing since the miscarriage and just haven’t felt ready or able to answer alot of questions. To be honest, I still have hard moments where I feel more tender and vulnerable.

I was mentioning to my friend Cheryl last week that one of the greatest pains of a miscarriage is realizing that life goes on for everyone around you. You just can’t get away from it, life keeps moving for everyone and you’ve got to keep rolling along too. So though I have MUCH to be thankful for, I still have sensitive moments where I quietly grieve the loss of what might have been. I also have the reminder each day as two of my sweet sister-in-laws are expecting little bundles within the same month I would have been due. It’s an interesting position to be in, I’m happy for them and I love hearing all they are going through. I love being included in their moments. But that is also the hard part for me realizing that instead of feeling the 100% joy for them, it’s intermingled with complicated thoughts for myself as well. This is hard for me to accept as all I want is to feel the pure uncomplicated and untouched joy for them and all they are experiencing. I’m all about love, it’s just in me to love all the way. So when I have any sad thoughts for myself in those times, it throws me for a loop. It just feels unnatural to think about my loss.

Why am I blogging it out there for the world to see? Well perhaps I need a touch of tenderness tonight from those around me. But mostly I know that there are so many women who experience this pain and I think it helps to hear that what you are feeling is normal. At least I hope that what I’m feeling is a normal part of the process. I won’t be posting much more on this in the future, it just hit me at a tender time and I felt compelled to write it down because bottom line, I loved the baby I will never hold, and I just want it on record somewhere that it really happened. That way I can keep rolling along as I’m needing to, knowing that I would have cherished the experience of raising our sweet little child. But also that I’ll never forget this experience which has brought me some moments, people, strength and peace at different times, that I needed. And even though I wish I didn’t have to go through it, somehow I’m grateful still for the lessons I’ve learned and the love I have felt from God and all around me. That I am grateful for, not the loss but for the filling up in other ways.