Daria’s Life

6 Responses to “What do I need?”

1. Cousin T
   June 26th, 2007 at 11:35 am

   

   Daria,

   I think that facing and accepting the things about ourselves that we’d rather not is, in itself, a strength. I’ll hazzard a guess that we ALL enjoy and desire praise and positive recognition, even if we don’t readily admit it.

   During my “out of the house” work days, I often hear managers or supervisors saying “I’m not here to be liked” and wonder to myslef if they actually believe what they’re saying, or if it’s a shield of words put up to help protect themselves from emotional harm after a conflict with a colleague. And, I have to admit (sheepishly) that I too have uttered those words. Looking back, I did (and DO) want to be liked (and praised, and admired, and respected).

   To your question(s) “Can we really reach our full potential by boosting off of kind words, or do we need to build an inner strength that goes beyond niceties and can hold up through the tough times?” I say “no” and “yes”.

   As for my own “vices”, I too enjoy praise (heaps and heaps of it, if possible), but I also really enjoy “alone” time. For a mother of three, this often feels like a flaw in my motherly character or something. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy my children (that’s the panic of public disclosure setting in) but I alos like to have time away..from them and my husband… everyone else for that matter. I end up feeling guilty, selfish and sometime, lazy (ie. shouldn’t I be doing something else other than sitting here reading this book?).

   Well, I think that’s about enough sharing of inner voices for me for one day.

   Anyone else?

2. Katie Kates
   June 26th, 2007 at 11:46 am

   

   First off you should really read the book “The Five Love Languages.” It’s pretty apparent that your numero uno (lots of spanish here down south) love language is words of affirmation. There is even a sequel to the book that is children’s love languages. I don’t know if I want to share a vice. I know that with the Muirheads I don’t really let on to all of me. It’s hard for me to do so. I guess I can share this one… I’m secretly really needy. I probably tire Conor out with my demand for attention and affection. I like it when people take genuine interest in my life. That’s just how it is. I think one of my major love languages is quality time too.

3. liz
   June 27th, 2007 at 9:42 am

   

   This book five love languages sounds intrigueing. I’ll have to look into that, and the sequel. thanks for the recommend Katie.

   So a vice you say. I too am needy. needy in a way that I wouldn’t say flows throughout my life. I am actually very independent when it comes to most things. However the men in my life will tell you different. i grew up a true blue Daddy’s girl. I very much demanded my dad’s attention. not that it was lacking i just wanted it. My husband would agree with this demand I am sure as it has very much transfered to his responsibility. Kent likes his alone time or even just space. However i want to spend as much time as possible always with him. I think that this should be flattering to those in which i demand it, however I get the feeling that it CAN be a burden on others. A vice that I only realize when my husband practically forces me to go shopping without himand the kids and then i remember what it is like to have thoughts and time to myself. Perhaps I should be switching vices.

   Oha nd Chocolate! I am very much pregs and totally addicted and i do mean it in the true sense of the word to chocolate. i am attempting to wean myself off of it now, so i don’t balloon further after this baby. that is after I finish this bag of very yummy chocolate covered almonds!

4. PT
   June 27th, 2007 at 1:14 pm

   

   I’m one of those people who for most of my life have been the type who will walk over broken glass for someone who appreciates me ,and who could live off a decent compliment for a good while, too.
   I think that everyone deserves/enjoys praise and encouragement, and it is nice to have - if we have it in perspective . Where it becomes a problem, at least for me, is when it becomes a need instead of a nice bonus.
   I know that in my life there have been times that I lived for those things- it was a need and a pretty big one. At those times, I had the feeling that I had to be a certain way, accomplish a certain something with aplomb etc because it ‘had my name attached to it’ and therefore had WAaay too much riding on the external approval of other people. Which kind of leaves you hanging if you don’t get the accolade or praise or whatever that you anticipated. I have learned that without earning/developing our own intrinsic sense of worth, there will never be enough praise, accolades or acknowledgment that will fill us up and make us feel whole.
   For me, that also (true confessions here) was very much a reflection of my own insecurities and a yearning to fill some of the holes in the sense of worth I was/wasn’t raised with. I had a thirst for praise and encouragement that I didn’t know how to meet, and my life experience to that time had taught me that it could be met in proving myself or showing up well. So I looked outward through my performance and to others to fill those gaps. Worse, in looking outward, it had a tendency to reduce my ability to see/receive the REAL love and support, that was readily available me, and how valuable my life and contribution were already .
   The thing is, that I also found that I wanted to see the good so badly in people, and to find it reflected back to me that I don’t think that I made the best judgments of people, always assuming the best of them, to the point that I might perhaps be guilty of manufacturing a more perfect persona in those close to me than was reality, or possible to live up to. The outcome of that was to get hurt a lot by being too vulnerable to the wrong people, or to have dear people on artificial pedestals of perceived perfection that only left both me and them at a disadvantage. It wasn’t a very ‘real’ place to be.
   I remember distinctly the first time that I put on a fairly major event - I did all my usual stuff in my usual way (read: overkill) and it was well done, but at the end, when compliments came pouring in, I realized that while they were nice, I didn’t ‘need’ them like I had before- my evaluation of my performance wasn’t based on what other people said or thought of it. I realized that for the first time I was experiencing not Pride in a job well done, but Satisfaction in having done my best- and it was all internal. It felt GREAT!!
   Since then I wish I could say that others opinions don’t matter, but I find that they do- although as I get a little older and wiser, the list of whose opinions rock my world for the better or worse has become dramatically shorter- I still appreciate a kind word or compliment, and I figure most everyone else does too, so with that knowledge, I try to focus on putting out more of those things to others. Its great fun to compliment a compete stranger sometimes!

   To answer your question, I think that we can get a leg up from the kind words of others…who hasn’t had their day made by being noticed or complimented ?! These are the nice little strawberry-banana marshmallows of life that sweeten it a little, but they are like candy- rely on them for your sustenance, and they turn out to be empty calories that make us crave them more and more, give us the quick surge of a sugar high and then drop us flat when they burn up, and no matter how many we have, we can’t get enough of them to live a healthy life on.
   I think that your instincts are right when you speak of “an inner strength that goes beyond niceties and can hold us up in tough times”. You are answering your own question and your heart is telling you what is of substance. Its a good heart, Daria, follow it.

   Cousin T- SO so SOoo with you on the motherhood stuff- I like the analogy that we as Women are like a Pitcher filled with water with each of our life roles representing a glass. You pour some of yourself into each of those roles, Wife, Mother, daughter, sister, career, service etc etc. The reality though is that with enough pouring out, the pitcher will become empty. Because of that we need, (we MUST, we deserve!) to replenish ourselves. That translates into alone time, pursuing a talent, etc, I think that every woman struggles with feeling torn/guilty in that, and in finding the balance between replenishing and being selfish, but the reality is that without something to help us refill, we aren’t any good to anyone-including ourselves. So I say READ that book!

5. Courtnee
   June 27th, 2007 at 4:57 pm

   

   daria, I love reading your blog, half or most of the stuff that you write about I can totally relate to.(Gee, I guess we really are sisters.)
   love ya

6. Tara
   June 29th, 2007 at 9:27 am

   

   daria,
   I know what you mean. i love affirmation. i need to know thatm people see what I do and think I do a pretty good job at it.