Missing my blog

It seems like it’s always late at night that I find myself unable to sleep, wanting to start blogging again. I think that it afforded me the opportunity to reflect and appreciate the things in my life. It also was a source of my own personal comic relief as I watch my children growing and changing each day. Noah my baby just turned one on Friday and it’s amazing how that fact has affected me. I remember when he was so tiny and helpless as an infant. Now he’s taking steps, saying Hi, No, Mum, Dadee, and doing these cute little ooohhhh lips at me all of the time. I’m so lucky to have a baby boy that is just pure delight. Honestly the kid is just sunshine personified. Noah’s entrance into the world was a tough one and we were blessed beyond measure to have him. (Feel welcome to look back at the Noah posts for last November/December).
I have so many friends (and family members) that are pregnant right now. It’s an epidemic that I can’t understand half the time and yet long to be a part of in lapses of insanity. I have four little boys who fill my life not only with joy but also with lots and lots of activity. I don’t know what the heck I would do with another baby, surely the child would be neglected. I keep telling myself that it’s not in the cards for me for a long time, indefinite, never again, (or until next year) L! But seriously, I’m sure that I’m coming down with the famous diesese of the biological clock. I definitely have baby on the brain (or whatever brain is left from the post pregnancy brain I already have). It’s also interesting how sensitive I am about anyone’s opinion on the topic. If anyone says that I should hold off, not even think about another pregnancy I am immediately defensive. Hey who are you to tell me what to do?! LOL! Well they’re probably the same people that saw me suffer through my last few pregnancies on the verge of death and want to save me from hospitalization and 9 months of vomiting. THANK YOU dear people!! :) But you can’t blame a girl for wanting to cuddle up one of those precious little bundles again, I feel like there is someone missing in our family and so with logic on one side and total wreckless abandon in the other we’ll see who wins out.

It’s almost Christmas time, I have nothing in order, no presents, no plans yet, and I’m really upset about it. Maja where are you? I need your brilliant organized and totally radical self to whip me into a Christmas organization frenzy. For those that used to read my blog way way back, I attempted to change my life. I got pumped and totally enthused about becoming the Queen of Order. Well a few months later that dream was replaced by wanting to be the Queen of Podcasting! LOL! I’m frustrated that with everything that rolls around in my brain on a daily basis that I can’t focus on more than one goal at a time. One month it’s order the next it’s chaos. I’m constantly fighting myself to get anywhere and not liking myself in the process. I remember when I was in this great motivational place, I was winning the war against the dreaded messy house, I felt powerful and free. Writing about it gets me pumped again because I liked that about me, I liked that I was so into order that there wasn’t room to stray from it. I want that again, for my kids and my husband and myself. A home of order is a home for me! That’s the goal again, I’m scared to write it, I don’t want everyone to hold me to it (and yet I do too). Can you tell I’m a Libra? Everything I say is in a constant state of trying to balance. I’m cracking myself up!

Well it’s 4:00am and I hoped that by getting some thoughts and feelings out of me I’d actually be able to sleep. I’ve never experinced so much insomnia as I have of late. Menopause??? ROTFL!!! NOT!! Loves to all, thanks for hanging in there with me.